7-Steps To Save Your Marriage

Stop Your Divorce The Right Way: A Man's 7-Step Plan for Reconciliation

Maybe you think your situation is impossible right now. I encourage you to read this guide all the way through.

We've seen literally hundreds of "impossible" situations work out.

It is very likely that you can save your marriage, but you MUST follow a specific path.

That path is clearly laid out in this guide. I encourage you to read with an open mind, as the path to success is an extremely counterintuitive one.

Please familiarize yourself with the 7 steps, as you will be asked to refer to them throughout the program when attending group calls and coaching sessions.

By referring to the step you believe you are in when asking questions, etc, it will help both you and the coach understand your situation better.

The steps also form the basis for a common language for us all to communicate with each other.

This guide is designed to be used as a companion to the "Better Marriage - Win Your Wife Back Program."

Its intention is to give you a clear understanding of what to expect on this journey.

It's also crucial that you engage with the course material and attend calls on a regular basis.

That said... let's begin the 7 Steps.

Step 1. Stop Escalating The Situation

Right now, the truth is you're in serious trouble.

It's very likely your wife has blindsided you with separation or divorce, and you didn't see it coming.

You don't know why things have fallen apart and you certainly don't know how to fix them.

If you did... you wouldn't be here!

I've worked with thousands of men now, and the patterns of behavior are almost always the same in this situation.

The vast majority of men at this stage are doing everything wrong in an effort to change their wives' minds, while thinking they are doing everything right, and the truth is you're only making the situation worse.

Things like:

Using guilt about the damage to the family to change her mind
Holding financial difficulties over her if she leaves
Begging for another chance
Engaging family and friends to your team to try and change her mind
Accusing her of not fighting for the marriage
Trying to get her to attend marriage counseling against her will
Emotional tactics such as being overly emotional, crying, and depression

The truth is, all of the above are only going to speed up the process of divorce and convince your wife she's made the right decision.

You have to STOP.

Here's the reason why... You are acting out of fear, and fear can only produce two responses.

FIGHT or FLIGHT, and which one of those is helpful to winning your wife back?

In addition to that, many of the behaviors listed above are rooted in guilt, shame, control, and manipulation.

You’re simply doubling down on ALL of the behaviors she wants out from.

Here’s something you MUST understand if you have any hope of saving your marriage…

You will NEVER get your wife back unless you're able to see that in reality you're not having a relationship... You're taking a hostage!

I get it... That's harsh... But it's also true.

You are in a critical situation right now, and the window of opportunity is narrow and closing fast. This is not the time for flowery language and hugs.

Your marriage is bleeding out and we need to stop the bleeding fast.

The behaviors you're exhibiting are only reinforcing your wife's decision to leave. They serve as constant reminders that she's made the "right" choice, at least in her mind.

When you act out of desperation, fear, or any of the controlling and manipulative tactics listed above, you're not inviting her back into a loving, equal partnership.

Instead, you're essentially confirming her reasons for wanting out in the first place.

Reference Material If Your Are In Step-1

The main section of the program here is going to be Week 4: Toxic Habits That Are Destroying Your Marriage.

Here you will find the major destructive habits that need immediate attention.

In this section, you'll find the habits that are causing harm. Review the toxic habits and the solutions.

You will also find "Week 1" of the program to be very valuable.

Also, review the group call titled: The True Nature of Marriage (Overcoming Trauma).

This will give you deeper insight into your situation.

Step 2. Don’t Give Her A Reason To Speed Up The Process

When she tells you it's over and you fight and resist that, she will try more forcefully to communicate the message to you.

The more you resist, the more aggressively she will try to show you it's over.

On top of that, the more resistance you're providing (which in your mind is fighting for the marriage), the more you are reminding her of why she wants out.

Don't resist her and her desire for separation; it will only make things worse.

When you acknowledge her desire and accept it, she no longer feels the need to impress upon you that it's over, and things will calm down and slow down.

Now don't make the mistake most men make at this point and think that by acknowledging to her it's over, you're throwing in the towel and giving up.

THAT’S NOT THE CASE AT ALL.

This is a chess game, and this is your ONLY MOVE to save the marriage, if you want to avoid instant checkmate.

When you successfully do this, things may seem to return to normal somewhat.

The fighting stops.
The constant push to move the separation forward slows or stops.
Friendliness can return.
The insistence on you moving out might stop.

Don't be fooled; this is nowhere near her changing her mind. You've simply removed her reason to do this quickly. She still 100% wants a divorce at this point.

There's still much work to be done here!

Reference Material If You Are In Step-2

The key to slowing down the process of your wife insisting on separation or divorce is "DETACHING" from the situation and practicing non-resistance.

The more you resist your wife, the harder she will push for divorce.

Review the group call titled, "Going Deeper Into Detachment and Why It's Essential."

Step 3. Start To Make The Situation Better

Now that you've stopped resisting her and the constant insistence of demanding a divorce has slowed, you can move out of fear and start to act more productively.

To reconcile the marriage, you need to understand where it's gone wrong, take full ownership and responsibility for it, and then start to fix it.

To begin to understand the problem that we need to fix, we have to go back to the beginning of your relationship.

There are ONLY two REASONS why your wife ever said YES to you.

1. She loved the way you made her feel.

2. She believed a future with you was better than a future without you.

That's it…Everything else falls into one of those 2 categories.

Now she wants out; the EXACT OPPOSITE is true.

1. She hates the way you make her feel.

2. She sees a future without you as better than a future with you.

Is your wife also responsible for the failure of the marriage?

OF COURSE she is!

But right now YOU have to take full responsibility, man up and own it. She's not interested in shared blame, and if you try to put it on her, it's 100% over for you.

So start with those two statements, and you need to look at yourself here with brutal honesty.

How do I make my wife feel?
What future does she see with me?

If you're being honest with yourself, you should be starting to see some of the issues she’s experiencing that YOU can work on right now, without her cooperation.

Now go to work on making her situation better.

MAJOR CAVEAT HERE:

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU'RE DOING THIS.

DO NOT MAKE HER PROMISES ABOUT THE FUTURE.

DO NOT EXPECT POSITIVE RESULTS.

At this point, you are going to see ZERO POSITIVE RESPONSES from her.

In fact, quite the opposite!

Your positive changes will most likely be met with hostility, anger, resentment, and indifference.

Persevere; this is normal and part of the process.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to push through her negativity, hostility and anger.

She’s angry because she is in fact seeing your changes, and she’s resentful that it came to this for you to do it.

Understandably so.

Her anger is a positive sign.

Do not expect a pat on the back here.

She WILL NOT acknowledge any changes at this stage.

It is quite possible that you'll remain in this phase for many months, depending on how bad your starting point was.

You must be patient, it will take as long as it takes.

When she’s ready to go to the next stage…The fun really begins!

Reference Material If Your Are In Step-3

Relevant sections of the program:

Section 1: Getting Started

Unconditional Positive Regard

Heart Of The Servant

Attitude Of Gratitude

It is also critical in this stage to create emotional security, you can find more information on this here:

Module 3: Creating emotional security

Module 4: Toxic Habit That Destroy Marriages

Step 4. She's Going To Put Your Changes To The Test

You are going to be severely tested!

PREPARE FOR THE STORM

We are now in Stage 4; your wife has seen your changes, you've maintained them by yourself with no incentives from her, and she likes them.

But she does not trust them!

The question in her mind is, "Are these changes ONLY TEMPORARY in a MANIPULATION PLAY to change my mind?"

And it's a valid question!

She's now going to put your changes to the test by REMOVING ALL HOPE FROM YOU!

Just when you think things are going great, she's going to drop a ton of bricks on you out of nowhere.

She might…

Reinforce it's over
Serve legal papers
Demand ridiculous settlements
Weaponize child custody
Tell you she wants to see other people
See other people
Tell you it’s too little too late
Many more

Nothing's off-limits in stage 4!

Expect it, prepare for it; it's coming as certainly as your tax bill at the end of the year.

How you react here will determine her next move.

It's a game of chicken. Stay the course.

If you fold, as many men do at this stage, and think it's all a waste of time and not working, reverting back to your old ways, she has her answer.

The changes were a manipulation... And she's gone.

If you accept her often ridiculous demands at this point and continue with "Version 2.0" of yourself, she'll know the changes are "PROBABLY" real, and we move to Stage 5.

Don’t get too excited, you are nowhere near reconciliation yet!

Reference Material If Your Are In Step-4

Review the group call titled: "Going Deeper Into Detachment and Why It's Essential."

This will help you understand the essential concept of "DETACHMENT."

Step 5. She Sees That A Glimmer Of Hope You Have Changed

You've remained strong, you've been patient, you followed a path of non-resistance, you've endured endless tests, and you've shown the patience of the Saints in the face of outrageous demands!

Congratulations, she's now willing to CONSIDER the POSSIBILITY that your changes are real, permanent, and acceptable for her staying.

Notice I say "consider" and "possibility"?

We are far from in the winner's circle yet... But we are moving in the right direction!

This is the first time in the entire process that she's starting to question herself and her decision to leave.

Your role at this point is more of the same; hold the course.

What you're doing is working.

Now, probably months in, for the first time, she's starting to see that maybe you could be the man she wants and needs, and not the man she's been married to.

To get here, all of the previous 4 Steps are 100% necessary for her to arrive at this conclusion.

That is why there are no shortcuts in this process, only wise paths.

If you try to skip a step or two, or move through the steps at your pace and not hers, failure is GUARANTEED.

At this point, she's tested you severely, many times, and you've passed most or all of them.

She can't help but be impressed with you!

That's when we move to step 6...

Reference Material If Your Are In Step-5

Watch the group call titled: "Attitudes of Excellence."

This call will help you understand the best attitudes for working through this stage.

Having an attitude of excellence will show your wife what she needs to see.

Step 6. She Questions Her Decision To Leave

By now, we are most likely many months into the process, and she has two new pieces of information to consider when deciding to stay or go.

1. She’s likely experienced life outside the marriage and realized that the grass is not as green on that side of the fence as she thought it might be.

2. She's seeing that the grass on your side of the fence is actually much lusher and greener than she remembered!

Both of these elements are required for a successful reconciliation.

This is why not resisting your wife and following a path of non-resistance is critical.

If you resist her out of fear, you stop her from experiencing the very things she needs to experience to consider coming back.

Keep in mind…

Simply seeing that life outside of the marriage is not going to be as great as she thought it would be is not enough by itself for her to come back or consider a change of mind.

But when we pair that with a new you that is supportive, can meet her needs, and has removed all the toxic habits that she hated in the first place, coming back becomes a real option for her for the first time in a very long time.

Again, I want to emphasize the importance of not rushing or skipping steps. Every step must take place, and on her timeframe, not yours.

Your sole role throughout the first 6 Steps is “Work On Yourself, NOT The Marriage, and Certainly NOT her”.

Reference Material If Your Are In Step-6

Watch the group call titled: "Going Deeper Into Guilt and Overcoming It."

This call will help you avoid hitting the 'stupid button' and regressing to an earlier stage.

Understanding guilt is key to avoiding "Self-Sabotage."

Step 7. She Starts To Move Back Towards The Marriage

This is where she starts to involve you in the process.

Warning: You Are On PROBATION BIG TIME!

This stage can take many forms, which might include:

I’m open to counselling.
Let’s put the divorce on hold for 6 months and see where this goes.
I’m happy for you to come home; we can take it slow.
The last few months have been great; let’s see where it goes.
If we’re going to save this marriage you need to…
I’m happy to be intimate, but this doesn’t mean we’re back together.
Many more.

Keep in mind you are on very thin ice here, and you can return to any of the previous steps at the drop of a hat.

If she starts to feel you're getting complacent, you may go back to Step 4, for example, and be tested again.

Essentially, in Step 7, your wife has offered you a seat at the table again and has set aside her confirmation bias sufficiently enough to give you a fair chance.

You need to be on your "A-Game" here.

This is where the real work begins on securing a long-term future with the woman you love :)

Reference Material If Your Are In Step-7

Review Section 5: "Self-Sabotage."

Review this section to ensure you're not hitting the 'stupid button' at this critical stage.

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